how to turn a serious relationship back 2 a free/open one?

[J.T.]

hey guys

I'm currently going through a single long term relationship on which honestly I was happy with until a month ago. Aug-Dec was an free/open one, sex was great and whenever I wanted, everything was done completely on my terms; she was even sharing my bed with another girl for some time (both served as on a round-robin basis, I like to be fair ). From Jan til now it turned into a serious relationship as I decided to move on ... I considered she was the one full-filling my needs. So I tough it was fair to start also giving some importance to her 'needs' (more attention, considerations, time, etc).

Now she is running more shit-tests than ever!! Her actions and my reactions are as follows:
- She now has more last minute resistance to sex than before! (I stop, turn around, and sleep .... sometimes this is followed by another annoying shit-test of her)
- If I go out w friends she keeps texting and or calling, like monitoring me (I avoid responding to most, and when I do is to try to make her stop from doing so ... like saying 'good night sleep tight, see ya'). This sometimes triggers a new 'you don't care' shit test which I ignore and even laugh about.

She loves me (or at least that's what she demonstrates) and I would say she is not cheating on me. She invests a lot of her energy, emotions, time and even some money on me and I think I invest the same (which I think is a mistake ... I think now that you should always invest a less than them). The reason that I think she is running so many shit-tests and behaving like this is because it's a way for her to try to posses and control me .... which she can't and will never do. But on the process of doing so she is exhausting me. So far my mindset and actions have mainly been .... "is not a big deal, it's just a stupid shit-test ... I'll ignore and/or laugh about it" ... but I'm tired! This kind of behavior wasn't there when we were on a free/open relationship. Didn't matter how much of an asshole I behaved with her, she didn't react in a drama way. And no, it's not that I'm really an asshole with girls.

I feel like she is creating more drama than ever, drama that I don't want anymore.

The reality is that I feel attached to her, I need to admit, I really fell for her, and I would like to find a way to still keep her around. My objective is: I want to stop the relationship for good as I think this is not going to change, but I still want to have the door open to maybe see and f-her in the future ... like going to the old days of free relationship .... lots of quality sex without this frustration that I'm feeling from time to time

How could I achieve this? What would be the frame and mindset to have in order to manage this situation? I mean should I spontaneously just stop calling her or giving importance to her? Should I speak with her telling her that it's better just to be friends without telling her why I feel more frustrated? (as this might expose my ... yeah ... current weakness with her). Should I point her mistakes at her and then quit? I don't know what to do and how to manage this situation.

Guys any advice would be appreciated.

[Jacare]

Hey JT,

Aug-Dec was an free/open one, sex was great and whenever I wanted, everything was done completely on my terms; she was even sharing my bed with another girl for some time (both served as on a round-robin basis, I like to be fair ).

Sounds like a terrible arrangement

From Jan til now it turned into a serious relationship as I decided to move on ... I considered she was the one full-filling my needs. So I tough it was fair to start also giving some importance to her 'needs' (more attention, considerations, time, etc).

I'd like to see where you're heading with this, but right now it sounds like you actually meant taking her needs seriously. It's not that they aren't important, but if you start taking them as seriously as she does you'll lose sight of what you want out of the relationship. You're supposed to watch out for you, she's supposed to watch out for her. That's (part of) how relationships keep their balance.

Now she is running more shit-tests than ever!! Her actions and my reactions are as follows

Yep, you changed after you entered the relationship. Sounds like you started caring too much and started worrying about keeping her happy so she wouldn't leave. Worry about yourself more and her less. What do YOU want out of the relationship?

She now has more last minute resistance to sex than before!

Get all physical with her then! Chicks like to be man-handled. Just don't get rapey unless she's into that sort of thing.

The reason that I think she is running so many shit-tests and behaving like this is because it's a way for her to try to posses and control me .... which she can't and will never do.

If this were true, you wouldn't be having these problems. You aren't asserting your dominance enough, and I suspect it's because you're unwilling to risk losing her. The one in the relationship who cares less will always be the one in control. That's not to say that you shouldn't care about her, but rather that you should be able to cool off and approach whatever she throws at you in a calm, rational, unemotional way.

More importantly, she needs to know that you have shit going on in your life other than her. You've got stuff and friends who you're going to dedicate time to as well, and she's just going to have to deal with it.

This kind of behavior wasn't there when we were on a free/open relationship.

Yep.

I feel like she is creating more drama than ever, drama that I don't want anymore.

Then split dude! You're a reasonable good looking dude judging by your picture, and you can put a sentence together with proper punctuation and grammar so you're not retarded! Look at all you've got going for you!

The reality is that I feel attached to her, I need to admit, I really fell for her

This complicates things.

...and I would like to find a way to still keep her around. My objective is: I want to stop the relationship for good as I think this is not going to change, but I still want to have the door open to maybe see and f-her in the future ... like going to the old days of free relationship .... lots of quality sex without this frustration that I'm feeling from time to time

Sorry to say it, and this might sting a little, but that can't and won't happen. The nature of your relationship with her has changed too much for you to just go back to being fuck buddies. Especially when you're saying that you love each other? Not happening.

How could I achieve this?

The way I see it, you have two options:

1) Keep your exclusive relationship and try to fix it. It doesn't sound like you guys are fighting so much as you're just nagging each other, so it's still totally salvageable. Be the alpha male, start focusing more on what you want out of the relationship and less on what she wants. Lead, don't follow.

2) Break it off and move forward. Staying in contact with her will only impede your progress. One of the guys here has the quote "Comfort zones are plush-lined coffins" in their signature. Keeping her around will just provide you with a safety net and make it harder to drag yourself out of the hole. There are TONS of chicks out there who wake up every day hoping that a confident, strong man will approach them. Learn how to be that guy, and you'll never look back.

Whichever direction you choose to go, I hope it works out for you.

Best of luck,
Jacare

[Fame]

Would definitely hit up Johnny Soporno, I'm considering doing this myself.

[J.T.]

Jacare thanks man. I read your post earlier and it's priceless!

Seems that everything is going to crap now ..... we haven't said the good bye words but this feel s so close. Didn't saw her today as I spent my afternoon with some friends and then playing hockey during night time, but man she was pissed because of this as she was expecting me to be with her the whole day ... which we never agreed but this idea was in her mind (as we have been spending most of the Sundays together, I shouldn't had done that). And today I didn't feel like seeing her as I was frustrated and pissed (and I'm still am, but I'm trying to control it), and this combination could end up screwing my head if I would had seen her; leading to precipitated or wrongly managed decisions.

the afternoon around 5pm I called her in a good playful tone to invite her to join me with a friend at a pub in midtown. As she was not ready and busy with other stuff and as I was going to have hockey during the night around 9pm, I told her better to postpone our gathering for some other day. I know it was a last minute call, but my friend and I decided to go there shortly before I called her. Well she got pissed and she started sending me messages complaining about this. I replied basically with "hey, relax .... don't screw it up please. If you decide to chill I'll be waiting here for you (at the pub). but if you come it is to have a good time, and not to fight. let me know". She never responded.

After getting back from hockey I called her speaking w her as if nothing would had happened. In a good mood, trying to bring some good conversation .... it lasted maybe two minutes and all the responses I got were "yeah" and "no" in an apathetic tone. I ended the conversation saying in a relaxed tone ... "well, not to much to talk right now huh? I'm going to sleep, good night".

I think I'll just wait to see her reactions on these days .... basically if she comes aggressively I'd just end it up straight away. If she comes trying to fix they we might be able to work out something on my terms .... and if she doesn't agree, well, I guess the decision is obvious.

It's hard ... I do love her. But well, nothing that time, 'sarging', and other enriching activities could not fix. I know it's going to be painful process.

cheers

[DJNinja]

Gotta agree with Jacare and his breakdown, it's very good advice. There is one thing I will disagree with, though:

...and I would like to find a way to still keep her around. My objective is: I want to stop the relationship for good as I think this is not going to change, but I still want to have the door open to maybe see and f-her in the future ... like going to the old days of free relationship .... lots of quality sex without this frustration that I'm feeling from time to time

Sorry to say it, and this might sting a little, but that can't and won't happen. The nature of your relationship with her has changed too much for you to just go back to being fuck buddies. Especially when you're saying that you love each other? Not happening.

It is doable, but you need to be completely straight and honest with her, and then keep a VERY strong frame with her. Essentially, you frame it as your world and your reality, she has a choice of being a part of it or not. If she's into you, she will make the concessions and accept the fact that she's got the pleasure of being with you and your cock, just not exclusively...

BUT

You also need to be willing to let her go completely if she decides that the lifestyle is not for her

But then again, with 3.5 billion women in the world, and at least a million (probably more) in your local area, so what if you lose one girl?

[J.T.]

Hey DJNinja. Well now that I'm apparently breaking up with her on these days looks like it should be worth to try it. What I don't know is how to deliver this to her. Do you think it should be a good idea first to explain to her how I feel, what I'm noticing from her that I don't like, and to discuss as a couple to see if she will adjust to my terms to keep the relationship? Or should I go directly to ... "you know, this is not working. I'll give you the choice to leave or to stay around but only for great passionate sex, nothing else and no remorse. Your choice."
Or third option is just to break up in 'good terms', and next time I see her (if so) just to try to push it as sexually as possible.

Second option is completely direct but seems to be harsh and coldblooded considering that we already have emotions involved among us. But if this is the way to go, fuck it .... I'll try if so. So far I think I'll try the first one.

And you are right, so many women out there .... it's illogically that I'm struggling for one. But it's hard, I need to learn how to unattached faster from my emotions that I have currently for her. Uncontrolled emotions mess up your head like a worm eating your brain.

Life keeps going anyway ... what doesn't kills, makes you stronger.

[Jacare]

This is my take on it. I reserve the right to be completely wrong.

Agreed with DJ. You can recover a purely sexual relationship with this girl if you want to. The more pressing question is whether you actually should. You've already said that you love her, so my suspicion is that you're only trying to turn it back into a sexual relationship to avoid losing her completely. You care about her and value her as a person and want her to remain a part of your life in some capacity. That's all well and good, but doing it under the guise of making her a fuck buddy after becoming as invested as you have isn't just harmful; it's self-destructive. Even if you're successful, the relationship will implode again, and probably worse than before, unless something about you has changed the second time around.

My advice, if you're absolutely sure about this girl, is to go out and audition 3 more girls. Go on dates, fuck them if you can. Clear your head. If, after 3 girls you're still hung up on this one, give her a call. But DO NOT go out on these dates with the mindset, "Once I get these dates over with I can call her." That defeats the entire point. Go out and give new girls a legitimate shot with you and try to appreciate them for them instead of in terms of the one you're having problems with now. If you genuinely don't like them, next! If you do like one or two or all 3, keep dating them. The point is to get rid of this feeling of desperation that you have right now. Nothing puts one relationship into perspective like getting into another one, and your confidence will get a much-needed boost when you remind yourself that you can go get somebody else if you want to.

Your only chance of getting her back is by pursuing her with confidence, not desperation. Your attitude will be a lot different when you know you've got 3 or 4 girls waiting in the wings.

How will you know when you have enough confidence to try again? Probably when you don't care anymore. That's a fucking paradox for you

Good luck brother.

Edit:

How will you know when you have enough confidence to try again? Probably when you don't care anymore. That's a fucking paradox for you

This was a bad joke . Here's something more helpful: You'll probably be where you need to be when the possibility of failure isn't a deterrent, or even a thought, anymore. At least not a significant one.

[KingOfAces]

it's not gonna happen. the odds of you taking a committed serious one on one relationship that you've been in for awhile and turning that into just a fwb is very unlikely. like...1%. things don't progress backwards very well. too much emotional involvement. and regardless of what your mindset is right now, trying to do this will fuck with you as well.

trust me, i've gone through this several times. and the point is that, regardless of what you try and work out, she is still an ex girlfriend. end of story. and we all know what usually happens with ex-gf's. even if it seems like things are going ok at first, it won't in the long run. i learned this the hard way.

you're with this girl. if you're not happy and looking to do different things with your life, then do that. but don't even try what you are discussing here. it's gonna get messy, it will not end well, it will be drama that you don't need or want. you can't "move on" halfway. either stay or go.